All that I ask.

All that I ask of the people in my life is that they will never give up on me.
That they will continually fight for me.
I want them to stand behind me on even my weakest of days.
I want only the truth from them, even if it hurts like hell.
I want friends and family who can make me laugh when all that’s left to do is cry.
I want loved ones that know when to hold me and when to let go.
I want advice and encouragement; grace and correction.
I want listening ears and wise tongues.
I want to learn and grow; I want to change alongside.
I long to be comforted with trust and hope.
I want powerful memories and stories to share.
I want peace and prosperity and many years to come.
I want safety.
I want anchors that pull me closer to the vast deepness of His holiness.
I want someone who is going to stand up for me when I am right and gently let me down when I am wrong.
I want compassion. I want depth. I want strength.


I want the purest form of love to flow from my relationships. I want raw, unadulterated, passionate bonds that bring me closer to God with every conversation.


That’s all that I ask.

I can't trust Him.

These past couple of weeks have been quite a struggle for me, emotionally, because I have no idea what I am doing.

I have no idea what I am doing.

I have no idea why I am making the decisions that I am making. I have no idea why I am putting up with the things that I am putting up with. I have no idea why I am allowing myself to sit in a constant pain. I don’t know why I am allowing myself to ignore all of the questions that are rising up inside of me. I have no idea why I am being so understanding of such a confusing situation. I don’t know where the patience is coming from because we all know I have NONE. I have no idea why I am so okay with having no idea.

I do know this: I am at a complete peace deep inside my soul. I am at peace with every decision that I make. I am at peace with the pain and with the questions. (Which I guess explains the patience and understanding). I am so anchored in this peace.

UNTIL…. My stupid flesh gets in the way. Until these thoughts start creeping up and I cling to them because they make sense and because I have been told to ask them. Those who love me and have good intentions have planted a seed in me that tells me that I deserve something. I cling to them because I know that God knows me. I know that He knows my heart. I know that God loves me. So why doesn’t he fill this emptiness; this void? Why is he allowing this pain? Don’t I deserve better than this, Jesus? (Really?!)

I read an article today called Fasting from Intimacy that was placed in my lap from God through my friend Val (hey thanks!). Such an eye opener. In the article it says : God commands us to fast. So we learn to feel hungry and trust Him in the midst of that gnawing sense of need. He wants us to learn that in the midst of our hunger HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.

He wants us to trust Him REGARDLESS of the situation.

How can I still have SUCH an issue with trust? It drives me crazy and honestly I am disappointed with myself. He has told me to stay so why do I come up with every scenario to run away? I can’t trust Him with my pain? I can’t trust Him with my heart? Who knows my needs better than I? Him!

I will trust this peace that He has graciously given me.

Now saying all of this, does trusting Him with this area of my life mean that I am going to get the happy ending that I so desperately want (or think I deserve)? No. Does it mean that I won't? Again, no. It means that I am going to get the BEST that He has for me. It means that even if I am broken, destroyed, laying on the ground drowning in my tears with no hope left I will trust that HE WILL SHOW UP. It means that if this will eventually be the happy ending that I have been looking for I fought for it. It means I didn't run away, I stayed and I worked for it. It means I trusted Him through all of it.

No matter what the outcome, I am choosing to trust Him through the pain.

5 Ways To Win My Heart.

a. Be intelligent. In so many different ways. I love wit and dry senses of humor. If you don’t read any relationship with me would be hard. I love people who correct my grammar and know a different language. I like to learn from people.

2. Gentlemanary acts. Opening doors, yes ma’am and no sir, honesty, carrying heavy things, making polite conversation with strangers, helping the elderly, leaving a decent tip, being in control of your anger, and working hard to name a few.

c. Be creative. I love art. Photographers, musicians, comedians, and writers always steal my heart. Expression is always a good thing. Speak up and let me know what you believe in.

4. Smell good. Although not the most important thing this goes a long way. Your smell will stay with me for a while. Abercrombie is my favorite and always will be. Dolce and Gabbana is a close second. I also adore Ralph Lauren Blue (I actually wear this perfume) and Tim Mcgraw’s collection. Being clean also helps. Shorter hair, clean nails, and a well kept beard are all good things.

d. Loving Jesus and being a Man. Adoring Jesus and knowing how to treat a lady are trump cards. I am not a second choice and neither is Jesus. Knowing your Bible is an excellent way to enter my heart but knowing your God is a sure way.

Everything.

I want an antique white house.
One that I can fill with orphans and friends who need help.
I want a family that loves each other and every one else as well.
I want a partner in crime who wont hold me back but will propel me forward.
Someone who will go along with my crazy ideas and come up with more on his own.
I want children who love you with all they have. Children who are creative and use their talents for your glory.
I want to take care of people and pour all that I am into everyone else.
I want to love. And I want to be loved.
I don't want my life to be easy but I want it to be simple.
I don't and I won't do boring.



I want to give you everything;
So I give you this.
Everything that I want.
And I wait for you to give me everything that I need in return.

Good Enough For Me.

Living simply in order to achieve greatness.

I've always known that I could live a fairly simple life and be incredibly happy. Living in the family that I do and being a part of Master's Commission has made me a dreamer. I have big things planned out in my head, incredible things that would glorify God. Most of these dreams have been planted inside me by the Creator himself. What I haven't ever been able to wrap my brain around is my desire to have both a simple life and and an incredible one. I would love to just get married, live in a simple house on a decent amount of land, have and adopt a bunch of chiltrens, and just be a mom. Maybe write a little here and there. All of this would definitely glorify God but there is also a desire in my heart to do Great things for Him. He has given me these desires and these talents for a reason. He has called me to be great.

Recently He has told me that I will one day be a speaker. SCARY. I am horrible at speaking. I was actually talking about this last night. Give me a pen and a piece of paper and my thoughts and feelings will flow but ask me a question and the words are stuck somewhere deep down in my throat. It's crazy. I can tell that He is using this year to push me in this area. I just learned how to control my tongue and He's already asking me to release that control to Him. You can't live a simple life and be a speaker that travels around the country.

If you've never heard of Lysa Terkeurst you should look her up. She's amazing. I was listening to her at a brunch my mom dragged me too and I was just fascinated. Her story is completely different from mine and we have very little in common but as I was listening to her God just said "That will be you. Prepare yourself for me to use you" I mean... I don't know about you but that's a tad bit scary for me. I would have never thought in a million years. (God's had a lot of those I would have never thoughts happening in my life lately) How does one prepares one's self for a role like that?

It's been quite frustrating. There haven't been many people that I have told about this and I think that has been a mistake (Hence me putting it out there for all of you to read). Because I still so much desire a simple life. I was talking to my Godmother the other day while I was home for the weekend and she just really opened my eyes to a LOT of things. And while she was talking I felt God tug at me a little. He can't trust me with the Greatness he has for me (and my family) if I can't first live simply. It was definitely an ah ha moment. A light bulb went on for sure. The desire for simplicity is a good thing. It's what He wants me to desire. I am to live a simple life and then at some point when I least expect it He will shine through me and (hopefully) everyone around me will see His greatness. And I will do great things for Him.

I have been told that I have to have a plan. I have been taught to live an exceptional life. I have been taught that living simply is almost unacceptable. I have been told that I must and will be great. But really all that I think God really wants from me is to serve Him daily and take it one step at a time. So I don't have a plan right now. I'm taking it one day at a time and when He tells me something I will listen. I am not and will never be great but He is. That's more than good enough for me.

God has Ruined Me.

If you haven't already figured out I love words. Even more than words I love their definitions. I was listening to a video Lysa Terkeurst has on her website and she used one of my favorite words in her answer to a question. She said "God ruined me for good". I love that statement. Being ruined for good is such an oxymoron.

Ruined: the downfall, decay, or destruction of anything. the complete loss of health, means, position, hope, or the like.

God ruins me on a daily basis and I worship Him for it. He ruins my selfish pride. He ruins my dependency on those around me; earthly things. God ruins my laziness and lack of motivation. He ruins my vanity. God HATES my sin therefore he wants it destroyed. God does all of this because I asked Him too. Lysa also says something about this in her video. She said she asked God to do a dangerous thing. She asked Him to unsettle her. I asked God to ruin me. Destroy anything inside me that gets in Your way. Which like Lysa says is a dangerous, scary thing.

So... if you want to live your life on the edge ask Him such things. It's scary and yes it is dangerous but it will bring you closer to Him and closer to all the wonderful (wonderful yet hard) things He has planned for your life.


I feel as if this post is less than par. But for some reason He brought it to my attention this morning so I figured I would share.

Trust me.

I am allowed to make mistakes.
I am allowed to make decisions that you don't agree with.
I am even allowed to make decisions that you are not proud of.
I am allowed to disappoint.
I am not perfect or better than anyone else on this earth.

I am still growing.
I am still learning.
I am struggling.
I am still trying to figure out exactly what I believe and how God wants me to live my life.
My life.
His life.

Let me make mistakes.
Be happy for me in the choices I am making.
Support me without question.
If or when I come running to you for counsel envelope me and help me through it.
When I come running to you.
I need to know that you have my back; always.
It should not be a question in my mind.
I should always be able to tell you everything and anything at any time.


You want me to grow up and figure out my life. Then let me.
Let me grow up.
I promise it will not last forever.


I love you more than words could ever express and I so badly want to make you proud.
I want to be someone that you can boast about.
I want to have everything together. I don't want to be a mess anymore.
I don't want to be a disappointment.
But it is admissible.
You have taught me the best that you knew how.
Now trust that I am wise enough to heed the teaching.
Trust me.