I can't trust Him.

These past couple of weeks have been quite a struggle for me, emotionally, because I have no idea what I am doing.

I have no idea what I am doing.

I have no idea why I am making the decisions that I am making. I have no idea why I am putting up with the things that I am putting up with. I have no idea why I am allowing myself to sit in a constant pain. I don’t know why I am allowing myself to ignore all of the questions that are rising up inside of me. I have no idea why I am being so understanding of such a confusing situation. I don’t know where the patience is coming from because we all know I have NONE. I have no idea why I am so okay with having no idea.

I do know this: I am at a complete peace deep inside my soul. I am at peace with every decision that I make. I am at peace with the pain and with the questions. (Which I guess explains the patience and understanding). I am so anchored in this peace.

UNTIL…. My stupid flesh gets in the way. Until these thoughts start creeping up and I cling to them because they make sense and because I have been told to ask them. Those who love me and have good intentions have planted a seed in me that tells me that I deserve something. I cling to them because I know that God knows me. I know that He knows my heart. I know that God loves me. So why doesn’t he fill this emptiness; this void? Why is he allowing this pain? Don’t I deserve better than this, Jesus? (Really?!)

I read an article today called Fasting from Intimacy that was placed in my lap from God through my friend Val (hey thanks!). Such an eye opener. In the article it says : God commands us to fast. So we learn to feel hungry and trust Him in the midst of that gnawing sense of need. He wants us to learn that in the midst of our hunger HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.

He wants us to trust Him REGARDLESS of the situation.

How can I still have SUCH an issue with trust? It drives me crazy and honestly I am disappointed with myself. He has told me to stay so why do I come up with every scenario to run away? I can’t trust Him with my pain? I can’t trust Him with my heart? Who knows my needs better than I? Him!

I will trust this peace that He has graciously given me.

Now saying all of this, does trusting Him with this area of my life mean that I am going to get the happy ending that I so desperately want (or think I deserve)? No. Does it mean that I won't? Again, no. It means that I am going to get the BEST that He has for me. It means that even if I am broken, destroyed, laying on the ground drowning in my tears with no hope left I will trust that HE WILL SHOW UP. It means that if this will eventually be the happy ending that I have been looking for I fought for it. It means I didn't run away, I stayed and I worked for it. It means I trusted Him through all of it.

No matter what the outcome, I am choosing to trust Him through the pain.