Where has my fight gone?

I love to read beautiful writing. I love reading something that pushes my mind to think and gives me exquisite metaphors; images of words racing across my mind. The English Standard Version of the Bible fascinates me. It is the only version that I will read now. I am in awe of the words coming off of the pages. When I start reading it is hard for me to put it down. I am simply in love. I am in love with words and they create even more love in my being for the creator of words.

I just started this new book my friend Rhyan let me borrow called The God Who Smokes by Timothy Stoner. Gorgeous writing. His words amaze me. I'm sure most of my blogging while reading this book will be inspired by Timothy Stoner. In the first chapter Stoner quotes C.S. Lewis and it just floors me. It actually has a lot to do with what I just blogged about the Devil. Obviously Jesus wants me to understand as much as I can about this subject. C.S. Lewis says:

The enemy has not yet thought it worth while to fling his whole weight against us. But he soon will. This happens in the history of every Christian movement, beginning with the ministry of Christ himself. At first it is welcome to all who have no special reason for opposing it; at this stage he who is not against it is for it. What men notice is its difference from those aspects of the World which they already dislike. But later on, as the real meaning of the Christian claim becomes apparent, its demand for total surrender... men are increasingly "offended." Dislike, terror, and finally hatred succeed: none who will not give it what it asks (and it asks all) can endure it all: all who are not for it are against it.

Can you imagine? If the enemy has not yet flung his whole weight against us can you imagine what it will be like when he does? I have been attacked constantly of late by this enemy and although usually it is something that I can handle, almost as a flea on the back of an elephant, it has been destroying me. I have been a wreck. A wrecked ship in the middle of a roaring ocean not able to move out of lack of motivation and not being rescued out of lack of declaration. And he hasn't even began. He doesn't have to give it his all because I'm crumbling under his little.

I am crumbling under his little. And it is my choice to crumble. It is my choice to stand still in the midst of the hurricane. I must choose to move which usually I do without hesitation. So why can't I now? Where is this lack of motivation coming from? Why am I not letting my all powerful, all victorious God take over? Where is my fight?

Where has my fight gone?



Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O Lord - how long? Turn, O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love... Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer.
Psalms 6:2-4;8-9

Letters from a Steven.

I can't begin to describe the faces I get when people find out that my best friend is my brother. It is almost never understood and very rarely is looked upon in approval. It bamboozles me. Why would you not want this kind of relationship with someone? It is so pure and raw; the epitome of the perfect friendship.

One of my favorite things about our relationships is how encouraging we are too each other. You can see God in our relationship and it makes me so happy. I have tons of letters, emails, texts that Steven has sent me over the past couple of years and I want to put some of my favorites here. He's known as the funny guy who loves football. People don't even realize how wise and inspirational he is. Not even he realizes how influential he can be. People follow him without even realizing it. It's amazing to watch. Here is proof of his serious side.


September 26 2011
Casie,
You have so much potential to do great things. Have confidence in what God has given you and what he is going to give you. Figure out how to believe in yourself fully. You're beautiful inside and out. You have so many good qualities and you're way better than you think you are. Do not let your insecurities hold you back from what God wants to do in your life. Persevere when times are hard, never give up. When you want to quit don't. If people tell you you're not good enough or that you can't do something let that motivate you to push harder. God has a plan for you that is so much bigger than you would ever imagine and he is going to use you in ways you never thought. Times may seem hard right now but keep God first and everything is going to fall in to place.
I love you,
Steven


2009
Casie,
You are the best sister that anyone could ask for. I'm so glad that God has put you in my life. You have been a very big influence on the decisions I have made. You are a great woman of God. When I feel like I can't do something you encourage me to work hard to do it and I respect that so much. I am so blessed to have a sister like you that is so focused on putting God first. I have learned a lot of things from you. You are such a strong person you're a lot stronger than you think. You are beautiful. Don't ever think any different and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let what other people think ever let you down because obviously they don't know how amazing you are. God has called you to great things. You will change the world one day. Trust in God.
I love you,
Steven.


And my absolute favorite text he has sent me:

There was a lady at chapel this morning who was captured by terrorists for a year and she had to walk through the jungle from place to place with the terrorists and was barely fed. Just saying you could have it worse.



I never have to worry about hurting his feelings or him letting me down. He is always there. If I called at 3am and asked him to hop on a plane he would do it in a second. I can say anything that I want to him because he will never give up on me. I can do the most horrible thing possible and he's going to be by my side through the consequences. I never have to fear that I am using him because I probably am but he doesn't care. Even our fights are rewarding because we just put all of the junk on the table and then move on. If he's being selfish I tell him and if I'm being stupid you better believe he's going to let me know. Our opinions are so important to each other. He's not embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his friends and he's learned that if I come to him crying all he has to do is hug me (and I've learned he's probably going to get ridiculously mad at someone). He stands up for me when I'm right and he lets me know when I'm not.

I could go on and on. I'm very proud of my brother and the lengths we have taken to be as close as we are today.


I'm really glad God gave me Steven.









P.S. This went in a totally different direction than I intended it too. I'm sorry if I was just rambling. You'll forgive me though. :)

The devil is a sly old fox.

I would just like to take a moment to explain just how much I loathe the Devil. I have decided (to follow Jesus and) to make my hatred for the Devil so much more than just an emotion I feel whenever I know he is attacking me. From now on it is going to be a way of life. A constant and consistent fight that I will wake each morning pursuing. I was talking to my dad last night and he said something so profound (he stumbles upon these moments from time to time) and it really just realigned my thinking. I was complaining about some distractions (because really that is all these silly problems I have are) when he said "Casie, the devil knows your name. Rejoice in that" (I doubt he used those words exactly because that actually sounds nothing like him but you get the point...)

Rejoice in that. So today I am choosing to rejoice in the fact that Satan knows the name Casie Dane Ward and that he trembles when he hears it because MY GOD stands behind me. MY GOD speaks to me and I choose to listen and that terrifies the enemy. MY GOD delights in me and provides for me. MY GOD has given me incredible relationships with people who are going to help me attain His dreams. MY GOD has plans for me, amazing things that He is going to allow me to accomplish in His name and that pisses the Devil off. And I am choosing to REJOICE in that.

MY GOD will not allow silly distractions to disengage me from the things He has planned for HIS people. MY GOD will wake me up each morning reminding me that I AM HIS and there is nothing that this despicable antagonist can do to change that.

AND I WILL REJOICE IN THAT.

You Are Everything.

I just adore this photograph. Look at all my chiltrens worshiping their Jesus. Such a blessing to be a part of this wonderful ministry under such hilarious pastors.

And how amazingly awesome is your plan that cannot be thwarted by any man no matter how big or strong or ugly or evil he be, because through you is victory. And it's victory that I now speak of and have to let out of my skin because for too long it's been contained therein.

Lord I praise you because you are different and efficient. And you've tweaked my spirit just enough so that I can taste and see that you truly are good. I praise your name today and tomorrow and forever.

I have a new obsession with Bradley Hathaway. It's probably unhealthy. This is from his poem I Felt Really Good This Day, Yes. He's amazing. You definitely need to check his stuff out. I am constantly forgetting that we are in the midst of a war. A war that we ultimately are victorious over nevertheless a war we must continue to fight.

The definition of victory is: The defeat of an enemy in battle, or of an antagonist in any contest; a gaining of the superiority in any struggle or competition; conquest; triumph; -- the opposite of defeat. THE OPPOSITE OF DEFEAT. Goodness I get so excited when I am reminded that God, who is the ultimate victory, is on my side. Mine.

Nothing can defeat. NOTHING can come between My God and His plans. Not even I. No matter how many times I royally screw things up; again and again and again and again. No matter how many times I let my selfishness invade HE PREVAILS. Because He is so GOOD there is nothing too bad for Him to overcome.

And because of this I will remain constantly in praise of HIM. For every scar; physically and emotionally. For every broken bone, muscle, relationship; I will praise Him because He is worthy of every breath and every thought. Every breath and every thought.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (Romans 7:24 esv)
He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. (2 Corinthians 1:10 esv)

God Sure is FIghting.

Seeing dreams become a reality is something that I have been yearning for for some time now. It feels as if all the dreams of those around me are either just sitting there festering or being destroyed. It breaks my heart and, if I'm completely honest with myself, destroys any shred of hope I have for my own dreams to become a reality. I have had a few arguments with God about this recently concerning the dreams of my family and I but I hadn't been getting the answers that I was desiring until this weekend when out of no where God planted a seed. It's incredible the way that God works, he definitely has an interesting sense of humor. It seems as if the moment we begin to lose all hope in a situation he shows up and shows up big.

As this seeds begins to become a reality I will share the details of this newly planted dream. I'm excited about it and am going to do everything I can to remain in the state of excitement including blogging about it.

God is good. Don't you forget it.

I am loved.

I spend an incredible amount of time thinking that I am not enough. Some days I feel as if I am too much. I am making this post to remind myself of just how ridiculous these thoughts are. (And to brag on the people in my life :) ) I am loved and cared for by the most amazing people in this world. They do not think that I am too much or not enough but just the opposite.

Steven Kent.

I am so undeserving of his love. He is such an incredible man of God. His strength and encouragement are inspiring to everyone that he comes in contact with. He is a daily reminder to never give up. Never say never. His work ethic is ridiculous; when he puts his mind to it it gets done. I don’t deserve the protection that he gives me. I don’t deserve the unconditional love and trust that he provides. I am so blessed that God gave me someone that will always fight for me and will never let me give up on myself. And on top of all of these incredible characteristics he makes me laugh when I am crying and he will go to great lengths to make me smile. He is my best friend and I know that he will ALWAYS be there for me.

Madison Page.

I have the most amazing sister that I could ever ask for. She is the only person that I can be 110% myself around and she is the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me. I am completely raw with her because I know that she needs it. For some reason even after all she knows about me she continues to call me her role model. Lord help her. She makes me laugh constantly and she doesn’t let me take myself too seriously. It is such a great feeling to know that you have someone that will always have your back even if you just spent 10 minutes screaming at each other.

Taylor Mercx.

Taylor is the person that I can tell exactly how I feel about everything. No matter how wrong my opinion is or what is coming out of my mouth she listens to me and doesn’t judge me. She loves me no matter what I do or say. She knows me so well that her opinion of me never changes. She trusts me with every part of her life and I trust her with every part of mine. She is the most transparent person that I have ever met and does not change her opinion or life in order to please those around her. She loves God so much even when she's not sure about all of the details. She doesn’t let me tear myself down even if I deserve correction in the situation. I love and miss her so incredibly much.

Neke.

Niko is almost literally blood related to me. He fits in so well with my entire family that it is ridiculous. He is such an incredible man of God. A man after God’s own heart. One day he will be a preacher and will touch thousand of lives. He will negate that statement up and down but I know he is going to do great things. He lives a life above reproach and I know many people will question this but he realizes when he makes mistakes and then takes his consequences and moves onward. He is so protective of my family and I. I trust him with all of my secrets as well as my life. He doesn’t let me live a life that is unworthy of my God. I am so blessed to have him as a part of my family.

George.

This kid. I respect him so much, he has no idea how much he means to Steven and I. He has no idea how incredible he is. He is so selfless and is constantly there for my family, even when he doesn’t have time or honestly doesn’t want to be. He always knows what to say and gives me the best advice even though he feels unworthy to give it. Plus he is insanely hilarious and witty. It’s really hard for me not to be jealous of his future wife. She is going to be an incredible woman and very blessed.

Kristen Luda.

Oh Luda. We have been through hell and back together. I literally have no idea what I would have done without her in my life. She is brilliant and makes me smile even through her own tears. I trust her probably more than any other friend I have. We can go weeks without talking and months without seeing each other and still pick up right where we left off. She is a forever friend. I will always love her.

Casey Ricker Ward.

My name stealer!!! I have no words for our relationship. She is my other half and I would never have survived the last three years with out her there. She is so full of joy and so peaceful. She is like home to me. I know that sounds super cheesy but it is so true. She brings comfort to my life and of course has the ability to make me laugh until I cry. I can’t wait until she has kids with Ryan and I get to be a godmother.

Valerie.

She is so incredibly beautiful inside and out. I am so glad that she is in my life. She was there for me on some of my worst days and I know that she always will be. Her heart is so huge and I can’t wait to see just how many lives she changes. I am so impressed by her ability to look past the crud in her life and see the God in everything. I am so blessed to be able to call her friend.

Sarah Michelle.

She is my person. The one that I can always go to crying and she always gives me a shoulder to lean on. We take care of each other because we understand each other. I am so blessed that God put me in an apartment with her for two years because I don’t know what I would have done without her.

Kasey.

My little sister. I love her so much and am SO proud of her. When I am around her my dreams come alive. I can talk to her for hours about all of the things that God wants me to do. She pushes me to dream bigger and let God have control of my life. She is going to do great things in the future and I’m super excited to be able to witness all of them.

Lo.

She is the Lo to my LC. ha. We have so much fun together it is ridiculous. She will always listen to me complain. We have been through so much together and it is a miracle that we are still friends. ha. Our friendship is strong because we have been through so much. I am her for her always and I know that she would hop on a plane as soon as I asked her too. We have a lot of the same interests and I love having someone that I can talk to about fashion, art, and celebrity things. :)

Liv.

I have no words for this girl. She is amazazing. I love her to death. She is so pure at heart. Her passion and energy are contagious. She honestly loves God more than any other person that I have met and loves people only a fraction of a bit smaller. I am truly going to miss watching her pour God's love into those around her.

Jessica

Oh Jess. We have also been through quite a lot. She has changed so much over the short amount of time that I have known her and I am so proud of her. I love her to death. She makes me laugh so hard with her ridiculous stunts and is wise beyond her years. She gives everyone the benefit of a doubt and pushes those around her to do the same. The bond that she has with her family mimics mine and I am glad to have someone around who understands my closeness with mine.

Karissa Tuttle.

My Mom! She is one of the only people that I will let rub my back and play with my hair. She is so special to me and I don’t know where I would be with out her. He heart is incredibly huge and she loves God with all that she is. She is such an inspiration and her story is ridiculous. She is so strong yet she allows herself to be weak as well. She is always there for me and will drop everything just to talk to me. I don’t deserve her in my life.

I only wish we all lived so much closer. I am so truly blessed to have these incredible people in my life. I don’t know what I would do without them. They make me feel special. Thank you. I love you all so very much.

I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained once again.

It's not that I can't continue on this way any more because we all know that I can.

You have proven that to me in every way imaginable.

Broke bones, crushed cars, scarred skin, shattered relationships; nothing has stopped me. Nothing has paused You.

I trust You with my brokenness completely.

It's just that I don't want to be broken anymore.

I know that makes me selfish. I know that makes me weak.

It makes me human. Mediocre.

It's just that I don't want to fight anymore.

This pain envelopes me and I'm done trying to push it away.

I'm done with pills, pep talks, and fake sincerity.

Even worse is the emptiness. The void of feeling.

I hate this cold tile. I'd rather feel the sting of a blade.

I don't want to have to pull myself together every morning for you.

Can't I just be broken for a while?

Are you certain it's that dreadful to be hopeless?

I want to be the weak one this time.

I want to be taken care of instead of being the care taker.

I'm tired of pretending. Of being used.

I just want to scream. And cry. And sleep.

I just want to run away.

But I can't.

Because you need me to be tough. So I will be relentless.

You need to use me. So I will be worn.

You need me to be broken. So I will be destroyed.

I will recklessly love you. A love that is damaged at best.

But damaged is my excellence.

I'm exhausted, mentally and physically drained and I don't want to fight anymore.

But I will.