Where has my fight gone?

I love to read beautiful writing. I love reading something that pushes my mind to think and gives me exquisite metaphors; images of words racing across my mind. The English Standard Version of the Bible fascinates me. It is the only version that I will read now. I am in awe of the words coming off of the pages. When I start reading it is hard for me to put it down. I am simply in love. I am in love with words and they create even more love in my being for the creator of words.

I just started this new book my friend Rhyan let me borrow called The God Who Smokes by Timothy Stoner. Gorgeous writing. His words amaze me. I'm sure most of my blogging while reading this book will be inspired by Timothy Stoner. In the first chapter Stoner quotes C.S. Lewis and it just floors me. It actually has a lot to do with what I just blogged about the Devil. Obviously Jesus wants me to understand as much as I can about this subject. C.S. Lewis says:

The enemy has not yet thought it worth while to fling his whole weight against us. But he soon will. This happens in the history of every Christian movement, beginning with the ministry of Christ himself. At first it is welcome to all who have no special reason for opposing it; at this stage he who is not against it is for it. What men notice is its difference from those aspects of the World which they already dislike. But later on, as the real meaning of the Christian claim becomes apparent, its demand for total surrender... men are increasingly "offended." Dislike, terror, and finally hatred succeed: none who will not give it what it asks (and it asks all) can endure it all: all who are not for it are against it.

Can you imagine? If the enemy has not yet flung his whole weight against us can you imagine what it will be like when he does? I have been attacked constantly of late by this enemy and although usually it is something that I can handle, almost as a flea on the back of an elephant, it has been destroying me. I have been a wreck. A wrecked ship in the middle of a roaring ocean not able to move out of lack of motivation and not being rescued out of lack of declaration. And he hasn't even began. He doesn't have to give it his all because I'm crumbling under his little.

I am crumbling under his little. And it is my choice to crumble. It is my choice to stand still in the midst of the hurricane. I must choose to move which usually I do without hesitation. So why can't I now? Where is this lack of motivation coming from? Why am I not letting my all powerful, all victorious God take over? Where is my fight?

Where has my fight gone?



Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled. My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O Lord - how long? Turn, O Lord, deliver my life; save me for the sake of your steadfast love... Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord accepts my prayer.
Psalms 6:2-4;8-9